The Dating Game

Over the years, I have had the (dis)pleasure of frequenting online dating sites. As I’ve been divorced for nearly eight years, work at home, don’t drink, and am rather antisocial, I find it difficult to meet people, particularly potential suitors. Given the ubiquity of online dating sites out in cyberspace for whatever one may be seeking—from farmers to certain religions to sugar daddies to cougars/cubs to “mature” folks (like myself)—there is bound to be a site—or ten—where one can peruse other pathetic, er single people in the same boat.

I jest. Not everyone on these sites is pathetic.

I certainly am not.


Anyway, of the myriad sites I have tried—all free, mind you—because I’m neither desperate nor wealthy enough to actually pay to meet weirdos—I have found certain truths to be quite self-evident.

Let me illustrate.

1. The vast majority of guys don’t smile in their profile pictures. I oftentimes ask them why. Some respond with another photo of a forced smile which makes them look even creepier and more serial killer-esque than without the smile. And the ones who do smile either remind me of Batman’s Joker, Alfred E. Neuman, or someone with something nefarious to hide.

Lack of a smile also may indicate bad teeth, which is a major turn-off for me. I suppose one can’t win for losing here.

2. Many guys on dating sites either can’t or won’t read. As mentioned, I do not imbibe alcohol whatsoever, and I make sure to include this in my profile. As I am not willing to date someone who drinks heavily—much less at all—I feel this is an important tidbit to specify along with no tobacco, no drugs (including 420), no married guys, and no Scorpios. (I am considering expanding my zodiac exclusions to Leos too as my past few failed short-term flings involved the egocentric and prideful Leo.)

The point I’m trying to make here is that when I receive a message from someone who finds me interesting enough to reply who invites me for a drink, I know for a fact they didn’t bother to—or simply can’t—read. I find that inexcusably lazy.

3. In a similar vein, being asked questions that are specifically addressed on my profile is equally apathetic. And I’m not talking about items that take some actual brain cells to understand especially given my vocabulary and sarcasm, but simple ones such as my marital status (divorced), my occupation (writer), and my age (never mind that right now.)

Again, not bothering to take two minutes to read a profile demonstrates a degree of laziness that will, in fact, manifest in any type of relationship that may ensue. Quite simply, if someone isn’t going to take the time to obtain a cursory knowledge about me, then what makes me think they will invest any amount of energy into a relationship?

4. One final pet peeve of mine involves guys who think that being separated equates with being divorced. I have dated “separated” or “we’re getting divorced” guys in the past and have discovered them to be far more trouble than I want to endure and certainly not worth the aggravation such situations elicit. As mentioned, I specify “must be SINGLE” and will not compromise this aspect ever again—no matter how promising he may be. Get divorced, get your own place, and lose the damn ring. I refuse to participate in someone else’s bullshit charade ever again.

The point I’m trying to make with this diatribe is that dating in the 21st century, quite frankly, sucks. Whether one meets a potential suitor the “old-fashioned way” (which, apparently, means while drunk in a bar) or online, oftentimes the whole dating game is far, far more trouble than it’s worth.

I have recently disabled my dating profiles because I need a break from idiocy. Well, unless you might know a good prospect. Then, by all means, please let me know.

“Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.” ~ Joey Adams


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