For Whom, er What the Bell Tolls

I once killed a cactus.

Apparently, they don’t know how to swim.

So, my mother gave me a houseplant as a housewarming gift recently. I named it Evelyn. “Just water it a little bit,” she instructed. Yeah, okay. Um, mom, you know I have two black thumbs, don’t do well with small pets, and am, frankly, surprised that my kids made it safely to adulthood. Right?!

Evidently, not.

So, I watered Evelyn a little bit. After several days, her leaves were getting a bit yellowish and crispy around the edges. I surmised (with my extensive agricultural knowledge) that I wasn’t watering her enough. I increased her daily drink by a little. No, I didn’t hold her under the faucet or anything.

She continued to look a bit sickly. I don’t have a lot of sunlight in my house because I work nights and have blackout curtains up. Maybe she needed some sunlight. I do have a red light that I use for beauty purposes that, apparently, is also fundamental to indoor marijuana cultivation, so I tried giving Evelyn a bit of red light therapy. Hey, it worked for my under-eye circles and bags.

It, surprisingly, didn’t work.

I figured the only thing left was to place Evelyn outside for a bit to get real sunlight. Apparently, the 108-degree Las Vegas summer was a bit too, um, harsh for poor Evelyn.

Rest in peace.

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” ~ Mitch Hedberg